Dark Ages Revisited

Really nice day today. Oddly enough lately I've been repeating this phrase a lot. Guess that little piece of advice that my mum used to drill into my little head- count your blessings- was not such a useless cliche after all. I seem to have started rediscovering my enthusiasm for life, and I'm grateful for this. A few days ago I dug up three Radiohead cds I had bought as a young pimply (does this word even exist?) secondary school student. Now I know you must be thinking that I must be going mad if I rediscovered my enthusiasm through a band who has made a career out of telling us all what a miserable dreary world we live in, and maybe you're right, but, i beg thee, let me explain.

I like to call my secondary school years the Dark Ages. Like most people I was awkward, had no nice clothes, was infested with pimples and black heads and was basically a human grease factory, spent the best part of every day buried underneath an unspeakably hideous uniform, longed for boys who would not even be seen dead with me and had an unwavering conviction that the whole world was intent on ruining my life. In my case, things were just that little bit worse. I don't feel like going into the reasons for this, but a look at the photos of the time should give one a fairly clear idea. I rarely ever left the house except for school and mass and by the age of sixteen had applied make up and worn heels only about three times. Yes, I know. Sad. And while I acknowledge that I could have made more of an effort to at least try to fit in, well, I had my reasons, and I guess, for an immature fourteen-year-old, they were more than valid. At the point where one must be wondering what on earth I'm rambling about, I will finally get to the point. For three years after those Dark Ages, I was happy to forget they even happened. And this is where Radiohead come in. During the Dark Ages I was absolutely obsessed with them. I identified with their bleak dreary point of view, besides the fact that they sounded good. After I entered the Junior College, I vowed I'd never be the same girl again, and accordingly I simply let those cds I'd spent so many months saving up for, gather dust.

A few days ago, my friend's boyfriend asked me to send him some Radiohead songs, and on hearing the first notes of No Surprises, tears started welling up in my eyes. (Btw No Surprises is a song about suicide- I was that emo!)However, then I found the good sense to shake myself out of the self-pitying nostalgic state I tend to repeatedly fall into and realized that it is exactly the 'silent silence' (quoting shamelessly from the song) of my early teenage years that made me who I am now, and despite the countless defects, I am quite happy. I guess sometimes one has to look back in order to go forward, and those very moments that make us cringe with shame are the moments that will give us the strength to admit our weaknesses and try to do something about them.

Oh God it has taken me forever to write this blog! But I really really had to write it, even though it is patronising and has probably bored you to death AND I took forever to come to a rather obvious conclusion. Besides, I have no energy to proofread, so excuse any mistakes.

Take care
Till next time,
Lizzy
xxxxx