How to Disappear Completely

Help help help! This morning I broke down because I felt like such a failure. I keep looking up to my siblings and I know that I'll never be like them. They involve themselves in this and that, have a cv bursting with experiences of every shape and size, and then there's me- the one who couldn't even stay in a job at EF because she's such a darn weakling. Aaargh! My ego is practically reduced to the size of a little pea at the moment. I. am. so. scared. Not scared in a panicky way- but I have that sinking feeling that I shall always be stuck in a rut. A piece of nothingness, an Elizabeth-shaped hole in the universe. And then maybe I'll scuttle off to Brussels to translate- and dissolve into oblivion. What does it matter if I was top of every class? They do not tell you that what you need is the fire, the guts, something I seem to be entirely lacking. At least yesterday I might have helped a poor ill old cat, belonging to a friend and former teacher of mine, who is in Luxembourg. I heard its cries from the well at her house.

Dear me, I am so giddy with hollowness. What is there when I peek inside? Nothing, but a desire to be like this and that. I can't even be original in my wishes and dreams! I remember writing essays back at school. I did so well because I remembered bits and pieces from what I read. I guess my memory was my best feature. I managed to fool people into thinking I had the fire and the spark. I never used to know what to do with the characters in my stories so I just killed them off, or they committed suicide, probably out of the boredom of happening to land in a story of someone this boring. Maybe I was right when, before sixth form, I thought for about a day that I should abandon my beloved English and German, and take up Maths and Physics and become an engineer or something similar. I had the marks. All I needed was the courage to admit that I'm not the artistic type, however much I want to be. At least I would have been some kind of a success, and Mum would not have been disappointed. She would have had a reason to beam and be happy for me, and I would have had a great job, and a lovely, secure feeling inside.

Now that I let it all out, I feel a little better. At least I have admitted my own disappointment to myself. And if you were wondering, the title of this blog is the name of a Radiohead song. Yes, I am listening to them a lot lately, especially their later stuff, for which many people do not give them enough credit. Those who know me will know that it's not just the experimentation for its own sake that impresses me, but the fact that they still manage to make beautiful music that even musically illiterate people like me can appreciate. I just love them! And the notion of disappearing and nothingness is rather relevant at the moment. The only video I found on Youtube of the recorded version of this song was made by a fan and is kind of weird and puzzling, so I thought you should look it up yourself, lest you do not like weird and puzzling things.

On a different note, and to show that, despite all this, I've actually been happy and serene for the past couple of weeks, these will cheer you up for sure:
This one is about pretentious drivel.
This one underlines what we all hate about critics.
This one is for all those who love/hate linguistics.

These people have a brilliant sense of humour! Enjoy! (Just posting those links already makes me feel better!)

Till next time,
Lizzy
xxxx