Aimlessness

This post has a pretty straightforward title. I am not in the mood to look for pretty litle metaphors. Yesterday night I came to the realization that I do not have a life. I have all the parts, but not the whole. I have my health, my family, my friends, am doing well at university, have a good summer job, have books to read, CDs to listen to, even my little abode on the worldwide web (this blog). Yet, somehow it does not seem to gel. My days are no longer empty and I'm never stuck at home unless it's my decision. However a lot of the time I find myself wishing I could actually just close myself in my own little bubble. There always seems to be something that has yet to be sorted out, if you know what I mean. (Which would be quite an achievement since I don't exactly know what I mean either.) I still feel a bit hollow most of the time. I'd mentioned it in an earlier post but the whole mad rush of exam-time and the subsequent elation at the end of the school year made me forget about it. But now the feeling is creeping back in. Do not get me wrong, I'm not spending my days moping around miserably. I'm enjoying summer and very cheerful most of the time yet I do not feel fulfilled. It's always the same problem in the end. Time and youth are rushing past yet that dull worry of not making the most of it always keeps buzzing at the back of my head.

The thing with me is that I do everything by numbers. Especially when it comes to writing. I had written a whole post about going back to it. Well I have to admit it, I have not managed yet. Yes, I have been pressed for time. However, I think the problem is that I think that just because I read the 'right' poems and the 'right' novels and the 'right' authors and listen attentively to all the lectures and do well in the exams (thank God :)), I'm going to be creative. It sounds so absurd- I am simply unable to just do something , without thinking there is a right way and a wrong way to do it. I feel I have to learn the right way before I actually start. The thing is, not everything can be done that way and maybe I have to finally admit that I do not possess the creative spark. I feel like I have so much in my mind and then when it comes to writing anything beyond this blog, I cannot even blurt out one decent sentence. It's a bit like being really sad and yet unable to shed one single tear. Suffocating. And I am not saying it to fish for heartwarming compliments. It's no big deal after all. Life is good at the moment. This last week was a shiny sunny happy one, I went out a lot and I got some good results to celebrate, for which I'm very grateful :-D. And, who knows?, maybe I'll find out I'm good at something else, like drilling irregular verbs into the minds of stoned long-legged Russians and loud-mouthed tanned Italians. The joy!

Off to the beach now. Till next time, take care and happy holidays
Lizzy
xxxx