"Within me a lunatic sings"

Last night I stayed up late trying to collect myself, trying to gather my thoughts and wishes and reconcile them with reality. I kept trying to put myself in a frame of mind which could calm me down and get me out of this sea of restlessness, which would make me feel like I'm headed somewhere. Such a lofty aim was obviously doomed to failure, and it only led me to wake up with a dull headache and a cold sweat whenever I think of how much time I'm wasting just wondering and rambling. I'm scared shitless of my dissertation. This morning I tried to get started on a simple, short assignment of 1500 words and all I got was a rush of random, poorly developed ideas and a lot of fidgeting. I do not even want to think about having to sit down and actually write my dissertation.

And the evil door to door survey looms dark and menacing over our poor heads.

Sigur Ros make me want to run away from here and do my thing, which in my case would probably mean running around looking at other people's "things" and wondering why I wasn't the one doing them. Sigur Ros attest to the beauty within Man's soul. Honestly. I love them. And I wanna go to Iceland. Now!



Apparently the title of this song means: "Within me a lunatic sings"

:D

till next time
Liz
xx

The more I try to be myself, the more I realise that I have nothing to say, there is nothing in me. The only place I see myself is in other people's words/music/images/whatever.

Am I doing too much comparative literature ?

Sunday night avoidance of work

The most effective way of snuffing any small flicker of creative literary fire is to read for a degree in English. You just realise how obscenely untalented, mediocre and insignificant you are. No, T.S. Eliot I just ain't! This weekend was mostly spent being depressed while trying to keep myself from having violent thoughts resulting from the most inane and DEAD subject on the planet: Research Methods. The mere thought would scar even Kurtz for life, I tell you. Besides, I realised that when I look inside I find nothing, no opinions, no ideas, just a passive reception of others' greatness. Yet tonight I listened to the Arcade Fire album I bought yet again and something in me just started to soar. Dear me, I do love that band. I read a review of their album (Neon Bible) and the reviewer described them as dazzling. They can take you to the depths and make you soar all at the same time. Sigh. And their voices are just bewitching. They make your heart want to burn just for the sake of all that is beautiful in the world, however cheesy that may sound. I should be off to nurture a small desire of reading some thesis related criticism. Man, I feel I'm drowning in work- mostly ENDLESS READING- and I really really want to read everything they tell me to but I'm just too slow aargh!

BTW My job is bringing out the passionate side in me. I HATE it so much! Yes, even if its jst four hours a week. BLEHHHHHHHH And I'm certifiably crap at it, as the Quality Control I had today proved BLEHHHHH



Warning: This vidoe can lead to psychological dependence.

Till next time
Eliz
xxxxx :D

You' d better give me something, before I sputter out

I used to love love this song when I was at secondary school. They used to play it on MTV New, which I used to watch religiously in order to maybe catch a glimpse of darling Radiohead:



I'm enjoying uni this year even though I'm swamped in work already. Most of my credits are really really interesting, except for Research Methods :(

Should be off to read a story called The Machine Stops by EM Forster. Sounds very full of sci fi and landscapes of white and grey metal. Shudders.

Liz
xxx

What is a marsh?

The big shock for all the Maltese people who, like me, were Enid Blyton junkies when they were children, was that at one point they realised there is no Rubadub mansion, no wooden panelling behind which there is a secret passage, no scones at teatime (What are scones anyway?), no autumn leaves, no boarding schools, no policeman saying "Clear Orf!", no mist and marshes, no friends with an insurmountable urge to create a secret society with a secret password.

TV

Today I realised that the only way to deal with disillusionment in a world deprived of heroes is to shut it out and watch TV on Youtube. It's what I did in my darkened room at twilight this evening. I felt so safe and blessed. I watched The Big Fat Quiz of the Year 2007. It was quite funny and kept me watching uploaded part after uploaded part. PV was fun yesterday but the urge to crawl inside my shell is still NOT negligible.

Important Expeditions

Yesterday I was so depressed I went on a long expedition in search of Radiohead's In Rainbows in the evening, similar to the one I had undertaken around five years ago in order to buy Ok Computer.I was feeling rather sad so I figured an hour going round on a rickety old bus in the gray sticky weather with my mp3 headphones stuck into my ears would do no harm. All the shops in Valletta did not have it. One particular salesman acted as if he did not know it was their latest album, which probably means he did not know it is their latest album, which makes him rather.. um.. inappropriate for his own job. I'm not one to ride on a ridiculous high horse and think Radiohead are uber cool and everyone should like them BUT I do expect someone who works at a record shop to know that a band as famous as Radiohead released an album. Nyways, I had nothing better to do so caught the bus off to Baystreet. The salesman there was refreshingly more knowledgeable but this led him to purchase the last copy of the album himself, so I headed back home with the promise that more copies were on the way. As you might have realised, I'm going through a bit of lull in the business of making myself happy. I don't know if the cocktail of Conrad, Radiohead and The Dark Knight OST is to blame, but I'm more inclined to think of it as a symptom of my glaring inability to make my life mean anything. I feel so tired and lethargic all the time, and I'm fed up of the same old places. I realised that what I really wanna do after I finish my degree is go get a Masters in Britain, but that sounds like impossibly hard and expensive. Besides I do think I'm a bit too lazy to take my studies that notch higher. And I know that I'll still do bally naught with a Masters as regards employability, but at least I'll be specialising in what I love and living in another country for a while. But knowing me I just won't have the guts :(

Before I leave I have to show you this: This guy is 40 friggin years old. And he's more handsome than ever. AND he plays in one of the best bands ever! Why aren't there more like him?



Till next time

Liz
xx